Dr. Kathy Nickerson said when marriages begin to feel “stagnant”, couples can grow apart and look to divorce – but there are steps that can be taken to save the relationship
A relationship expert has unveiled the “20 minute game changer” that struggling married couples should attempt to rescue their relationship before heading to divorce court.
Dr. Kathy Nickerson, 50, explains that when marriages start to feel stuck in a rut, couples can drift apart and contemplate divorce. However, the clinical psychologist, based in Orange County, California, US, emphasized that there are steps couples can implement to reignite the spark.
Contrary to what many might expect, she stresses it’s crucial to “prioritize reconnection” before diving into serious discussions about relationship issues. Dr. Kathy recommends this can be achieved through giving each other compliments and dedicating time to enjoyable activities as a pair – along with having “a 20 minute conversation” each day.
When intimacy is lacking, this should be addressed by planning “no pressure” physical contact initially – like hand-holding and embracing, before moving to the bedroom.
And when discussions frequently escalate into fights, she believes partners should identify their individual attachment styles to prevent conflicts before they arise.
Dr. Kathy explained: “As relationship problems grow or disconnection happens, people don’t feel in love so much and everything feels negative. I always try to remind people that your feelings can change again – what you feel now might not be how you always feel.”
Dr. Kathy notes that couples can start to feel ‘like roommates’ when partners get overwhelmed with responsibilities and find it difficult to connect emotionally as a consequence – prompting them to think about divorce. She believes the most challenging part is identifying when couples start to drift apart.
However, once recognized, Dr. Kathy suggests the first step is to “make a cushion of positivity” before delving into deep negative discussions.
She advises it’s better to “build up some goodwill” initially, so the conversation has a more positive impact.
Dr. Kathy stated: “First, the couple needs to reconnect – and remember why they like each other. There’s wisdom to saying ‘I know we need to talk about this, and we will. But we need to build some positivity first.'”.
Dr. Kathy recommended “rebuilding shared joy” by engaging in an activity together that you both enjoy, and scheduling time for regular activities such as date nights and shared hobbies.
She suggests increasing genuine praise and compliments towards your partner can help rebuild the emotional strength too. And aim for a “20 minute conversation every day” – about something neutral, or positive.
Dr. Kathy believes another significant issue that can lead to couples heading for divorce is a loss of intimacy – resulting in a sexless marriage and general dissatisfaction.
She says overcoming this involves acknowledging the problem, not in a way that implies blame, but with “care and compassion”.
She stated: “If you build up the feelings that make you want to be intimate again, then the intimacy should, theoretically, follow. If a couple comes in that haven’t had sex in years, the homework won’t be to ‘go home and have sex tonight’.
“It’ll be focusing on rebuilding the connection – like holding hands and cuddling – rebuilding the feelings of safety in physical touch.”
Dr. Kathy suggests that couples should devise a plan together, emphasizing validation and appreciation, and then schedule “no pressure physical touch time”.
This strategy can help to “restore comfort and familiarity” – and over time couples can gradually work up to sexual intimacy.
Another problem arises from a breakdown in communication, leading to conversations often escalating into arguments, becoming disrespectful, or being completely avoided.
In such situations, Dr. Kathy advises the couple to focus on understanding their own attachment styles – to get to the heart of the issue.
She stated: “Beneath each fight is something you’re needing but not getting. If you give up and run away because a fight feels painful, you may be avoidant – but if you chase your partner for reassurance, you might be anxious.
“If you start to notice yourselves feeling that way you can work on doing something different.
“For example, I used to feel anxious myself, so I would tell myself ‘I’m not going to chase’ and I’d go and sit outside in my rocking chair instead. I found ways to reassure myself – learning to self-soothe and regulate can change the cycle of the fight.”
According to Dr. Kathy, every issue ultimately boils down to a root cause of conflict, distance, or disconnection – even an argument about laundry often reveals a deeper issue.
“With who does the laundry, that argument can come from feeling inequality,” she said.
“Maybe it’s ‘I don’t think you care about sharing labour with me’, ‘I feel less than you’, ‘I feel a power imbalance’, or ‘I don’t think you care about my free time’.”
Dr. Kathy says there are plenty of chances to stop a relationship from falling apart before heading for divorce, as long as both people are willing to make an effort.
She added: “Just because you don’t feel love for a person right now doesn’t mean you never will again.”
Dr. Kathy’s tips to try before filing for divorce
Click here to follow the Mirror US on Google News to stay up to date with all the latest news, sports and entertainment stories.
Leave a Reply